Loren Nancarrow: September 27, 1953 – December 28, 2013

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The Nancarrow Project

Here I sit, 24 years old, writing my father’s obituary on his banged-up old macbook that boasts an array of cool stickers, including the kayaker symbol he also had tattooed on his right shoulder. ‘SUSIE’ was tattooed on his opposite side.  His stuff is all around me; a dad-scented sweatshirt across my lap, old photos of him with a big ol’ smile revealing his trademark diastema on the shelf to my right, his favorite headphones curled up on the table in front of me. But it’s not just his things that are here, he is here too.

Dad, we’re all going to be alright. We are at peace knowing you are now free. We miss you and love you forever and beyond.

___________________________

LOREN NANCARROW

September 27, 1953 – December 28, 2013

Loren Alan Nancarrow, longtime San Diego TV icon, organic gardener and conservationist, passed away Saturday, December 28, 2013 at…

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Rejoice!

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“If I could tell the world just one thing it would be —  we’re all okay,

And not to worry, ’cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.

I won’t be made useless.

I won’t be idle with despair.

I will gather myself around my faith,

For light does the darkness most fear.”

You know those days that you awaken to a sharp pain, an awful wrenching in your stomach, a sudden realization that, today, something is barring you from your happiness?  Sometimes the discomfort is physical. Other times it’s emotional or spiritual. Sometimes it’s worry, sometimes grief or loss or injury. It’s those days that make you want to stay in bed, to hide away from the existing pain and protect yourself from the plethora of other things that threaten to steal your joy — and it’s those days that it’s more important than ever to rise and rejoice.

In the past 10 months, I’ve had A LOT of those days. I’ve had a lot of moments where continuing on seems too painful and too difficult to even fathom. It starts each morning as my alarm goes off and I have about 6-8 seconds before I remember. I remember how cold it is outside. I remember that I’ve been out of work for months. I remember that my puppy chewed the inside of my car. I remember that I have a huge zit on my face. I remember that my pants are too tight. I remember that my boyfriend is now my ex. I remember that I still haven’t done my laundry. I remember that I had “one too many” the night before. I remember that I have a ton of sh*t to do. And I remember that my dad has terminal cancer.

Well…there goes my day. It’s funny how the weight of the world can do that…make you forget the things that bring you joy by reminding you of the things that make life tough. But throughout all this, it has become increasingly clear that it’s joy that is the antidote for all of that tough stuff, and life can be so made so much more wonderful by simply reframing your mindset and rejoicing in all of the things that make life…life.

So, here it goes…

I rejoice in sweatshirts and heaters and relatively warm San Diego winters! I rejoice in all my extra free time that has allowed me so many special days with my dad! I rejoice in owning a car…and a puppy…and a new menagerie of chew toys! I rejoice in knowing that most acne isn’t life-threatening! I rejoice in stretchy pants (and I’m literally rejoicing while wearing them at this very moment)! I rejoice in having experienced romance and love! I rejoice in laundromats! I rejoice in tequila…and Advil! I rejoice in being alive to do all that sh*t I have to do! And most of all, I rejoice in the love and warmth and knowledge (and awesome genes) bestowed upon me by my incredible dad.

Suddenly, I’m able to rise up out of my bed (and I totally rejoice in having a bed), excited for a day chock-full of both the good and the bad — throughout all of which I can find reasons to rejoice.

XOXO

Hannah

“Rejoice! Rejoice!

We have no choice but to carry on.”

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The Loren Nancarrow Healing Garden

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Hi Friends and Family,

Please join us in our support of a rooftop healing garden at the Scripps Radiation Treatment Center. With your help, we’ll be able to raise enough funds to name the garden “The Loren Nancarrow Healing Garden” and ensure a space for cancer patients and their families to find peace for years to come.

Thank you so much for your unwavering support, we are so very lucky to have each and every one of you in our lives.

XOXO

Hannah

Please click here for more information:

https://scrippshf.ejoinme.org/?tabid=504643

The Dream Board

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Two years ago I created a dream board. In case you’re not female or have missed this new era practice, a dream board is basically a poster that you fill with images and words that represent all your life’s dreams, goals and aspirations. Dream boards coincide with the law of attraction, which pretty much says “you reap what you sow.” If you have a negative mindset and stew over worries or negative thoughts, then you’ll attract negativity and bad things will surround you. If you choose to think and act positively and visualize positive outcomes, you will attract goodness and positivity.

So back to this dream board I made — I spent hours filling it with all the things I wanted. There was a big beautiful boat out on a crystal blue ocean, an 8,000 sqft Craftsman style home overlooking a sprawling green property, exotic vacation destinations, a black on black Mercedes G Wagon, my dream bikini body (obviously with the head cut off and mine glued on) and a gold diamond engagement ring the size of a helipad.

But my dream board didn’t work. Not at all.

2 years later and I am no closer to those things than I was then. In fact, I would argue that I’m farther away from most of those “dreams” than ever before.  And I know exactly why — because I mistook material things for dreams. Without knowing any better, I chose to fixate on the things I thought would make me happy, rather than the experiences and the accomplishments and the relationships that could truly bring me happiness. Instead of visualizing how happiness would look and feel and sound, I thought about stuff…fancy stuff.

So today, I start a new dream board —  one that’s filled with pictures of Spinning® classes packed with energetic, powerful students and quotes from the writers who inspire and motivate me like Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, Rumi and Dr. Seuss. It will boast photos of my family when we’ve been happiest, during camping trips and live concerts. There will be pictures of Half Dome and Mt. Whitney and a german shepherd pulling a wheelchair.

And I’ll paste another bikini body on this new dream board — but this time it will be my own, because today I am living my dream of health, fitness and a pretty-darn-nice beach bod. No more dreaming of anyone else’s….anything. I already have all that I need to be happy — within me and within the people I love.

So take some time to create a little dream board and fill it with all your favorite people and activities and watch your happiness bloom.

XOXO

Hannah

ss-half-dome

Weekly Happy Thoughts: Maker & Shaker Power Women (sorry boys)

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Posh Granola

Now don’t worry this is not going to be some intense feminist post… This is simply just a post to admire some women that I find truly awesome (aside from my mom, hi mom!). These women are women who are making moves and changes with their actions, their words, and their attitudes. Women don’t always have it easy with their choices of family vs career, botox vs au natural, and that voice screaming on their shoulder saying “DONT YOU DARE EAT THAT PIECE OF PIZZA!!”. So today, I just wanted to give a little love, a little attention, and a little deserved credit to some of my fave women.

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Hannah Nancarrow – This girl can WRITE. I am not easily entertained by long writing pieces, nor do I find women particularly funny (unless its Sandra Bullock in the proposal). That being said, Miss Hannah has quite the gift. She…

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Ode to Discomfort

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Anyone who knows me, knows I’m in love with being comfortable — almost to a fault. Yoga pants, any kind of carb, a year-round space heater, a big comfy couch and did I mention yoga pants? I guess I could be compared to a Hobbit in the Shire. Why leave my comfort zone when it’s just so….comfy? (And the alternative is just so…not).

Well, (despite all my best efforts ) I’ve been uncomfortable a lot lately; training for the California 10/20 Run and learning the ins-and-outs of cancer care, while trying still to navigate my own life’s plan. But while spending all this time away from my comfort zone, I’m starting to understand what discomfort really means.

I’ve learned that discomfort is both voluntary and involuntary. It’s mental, emotional and physical. Discomfort is sickness and health. Discomfort is fear, sadness and uncertainty. It’s shock, surprise and anticipation. Discomfort is failure and success.

I’ve actually begun to sort of enjoy all this discomfort (not in like a masochistic, chains and whips sort of way). It’s just, I now understand that discomfort is fleeting — but it’s effects are lasting. Discomfort builds strength and power. Discomfort is a teacher, a guide. Discomfort breeds warriors, survivors and heroes. Discomfort is a challenge and it’s a life lesson. Discomfort is a mentor, a coach and a trainer preparing me for the road ahead — because greatness is not achieved by being comfortable.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love being comfy.  In fact, discomfort has actually deepened my love affair with comfort. By feeling uncomfortable, I’m expanding my comfort zone (adding acreage to my Shire, so to speak) and giving myself the gift of contentment under any circumstance.

So, while I’m counting out cancer meds or running my way up a big ol’ hill, I know I’m in training. I know my discomfort is coaching me along as I build the strength and endurance to take on all the tough stuff that lies ahead.

So, here’s to you, discomfort. I owe all my comfort to you.

(And a special shout out to yoga pants — I couldn’t do it without you.)

xoxo

hjn

Discomfort is very much part of my master plan.

— Jonathan Lethem

Billy Joel

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My dad and I have always shared similar opinions on just about everything. We love the same Billy Joel songs. We like to eat at the same restaurants. We‘re intrigued by the same journalists and inspired by the same writers. We share a love of music and a lack of rhythm. And we laugh at the same bizarre jokes. We’ve even come to an agreement that there are two types of people in the world: people who like Family Guy (him) and people who like South Park (me). So even when we disagree, we somehow manage to still agree.

Lately, the chemo and other cancer meds have changed him. And I can only assume the sadness and stress have changed me too. Our similarities seem to dwindle and things we agree on are fewer and farther between. Recently, it seems that stubbornness is all we share. We disagree on big stuff, like what to write and how to write it. And we disagree on the littlest things, like the best route to take to the store.

Then, last Wednesday we came to an easy agreement to have lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant. Over a couple plates of spaghetti, I made a South Park reference (which you would’ve thought brilliant and hilarious if I could remember it). Without skipping a beat or looking up from his noodles, my dad said “Man, Family Guy is just so much better than South Park.” And on the drive home, by way of some divine signal, Billy Joel started playing on the radio, and we both sang along at the top of our lungs…

You may be right

I may be crazy

Oh, but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for

It’s too late to fight

It’s too late to change me

You may be wrong for all I know

But you may be right

So, there amidst all the disparity, I learned that in a world of change, transformation and adjustment, some of the best things stay the same. I learned that no cancer, chemo or any other crap could ever break the fundamental bonds my dad and I share (as silly as they may seem).

There on that beautiful, imperfect Wednesday, a father and daughter found the lunatic they’d each been looking for – in one another.

xoxo

hjn

HannahImage

Nail Polish

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Painting and repainting. That’s what I’ve been doing. Painting my nails, wiping them clean and painting them again. One by one. Coat by glossy coat. Blue, pink, orange, gold and crimson red lacquer. There are plenty of days when I do more than just painting and repainting…but not today. Today it’s just me, some nail polish and a bottle of acetone. Painting and repainting.

There’s something therapeutic about nail polish. Painting takes concentration, patience, a steady hand and a steady mind — stuff I’ve struggled with recently. But it’s said that practice makes perfect, so I just keep painting and repainting.

It doesn’t matter the color or brand of polish. It doesn’t matter if it’s chipped, dented or entirely smudged. Each nail will inevitably be wiped clean again. All that matters is painting. I just keep hoping I’ll find that lucky hue. I just keep hoping that maybe a fresh coat will cure my writer’s block — or better yet, cure my dad’s cancer. So I just keep painting and repainting.

xoxo

Hannah Jane

Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

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timeflies

They say time flies when you’re having fun,

Then it slows down during a treadmill run.

And time hardly moves at the DMV,

Waiting like jailbirds who want to be free.

You know, waiting of any kind is really a drag,

For instance, sitting in traffic makes time seem to lag,

Or when you’re expecting a package at your front door.

And time always crawls when we’re miserable or bored.

But this morning I caught a glimpse of the date,

And right then I realized that time doesn’t wait.

I saw the clock hands spinning all hot and hurried,

My heart started to race and my mind to worry.

But if it’s true that time flies when you’re having fun

And I feel time rush past me with each setting sun,

If months feel too short and years way too fast,

Then there’s no doubt in my mind I’m having a BLAST.

 
XOXO
Hannah

The Woods

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The Nancarrow Project

Winnie the Pooh had The Hundred Acre Wood. For Alice in Wonderland and The Jabberwocky it wasthe Tulgey Wood. Then, of course, there’s Tiger Woods and his 3-wood (that would allegedly smash the windows of his SUV). The Hippies did Woodstock. There’s West Side Story’s Natalie Wood. There are woulds and would nots (and wood knots). John Wooden was the Wizard of Westwood. Robin Hood had Sherwood. Celebrities have Hollywood. Beaches have driftwood. And if you’re safe from harm, you’re out of the woods. With terminal cancer, we never really leave the woods. Instead, we’ve set up camp and made the woods our home.

Luckily, we’ve come prepared to live the rustic, woodsy lifestyle. Us kids were raised on a rural little farm that sat on the far end of an old dirt road (I guess you could say we lived in the backwoods). We ate what we…

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